The Christmas holiday is only a week away, so people around the world are preparing to celebrate… the birth of Jesus? Not exactly. Many believe that the purpose of this festive day is to give and receive games and toys and other gifts, at the expense of the neatly sealed gift-wrapping paper that is torn apart to get to these presents.
Maybe if they knew that it was actually the birthday of a central religious figure, they wouldn’t greedily treat this holiday as their own second birthday? And Santa Claus only contributes to this problem by bringing gifts to kids every December 25, in addition to spreading all kinds of cheer during this “joyous” season.
“Ho, ho, ho”– is this Saint Nick’s signature chuckle, or just an excuse for him to use the derogatory word in a naughty manner? Rumor has it, one year, Santa granted a former UC student an unusual wish. The girl supposedly explained that she wrote Santa a letter asking to have a certain part of her body enhanced. She begged and begged, and when Christmas arrived, she found a certificate for a very special plastic surgeon. Now, she happily sports a full figure thanks to Santa. If Mrs. Claus discovered the dirty secret, it might be the end of Christmas for all.
That isn’t the only secret Santa is keeping up his sleeves, for isn’t he really a criminal who can get away with felonies by using his stealth powers? He breaks into homes every year! Unfortunately, there’s a rumor about an incident last Christmas in which a grandmother was run over by one of Santa’s reindeer. Not to mention that she had probably baked him some delicious cookies just moments before Santa’s attack. Senior James Tran said, “This is the only day kids get to worship a fat man.” And an irresponsible driver at that.
This begs the question: why do kids love Santa Claus so much they are willing to sit on a strange man’s lap? The jolly old man is a celebrity, but that doesn’t mean kids know who he really is. What ever happened to parents telling their kids not to talk to strangers? While talking to them may be one thing, sitting on their laps crosses the creepy boundry just a tiny bit.
The last resort for potential victims of Santa Claus is buying a home security system. While everyone is asleep, Santa makes his way down the chimney to do who-knows-what in your house. “I can’t believe I didn’t consider Santa was actually breaking into my house when I was a kid,” said Senior Kat Joslyn. If ADT is too expensive, simply turn on the fireplace, and never again will grandmothers be attacked, baked goods be stolen, and kids be terrorized by the infamous Claus.